Author's note: The names of the boys and their families have been changed to protect their privacy.

Part XII

       We are now in our second year together and the time has come for me to take on another child to mentor.  I like working with kids from the 5th to 7th grade.  I feel these are the years where they need to be guided in the right direction with their lives.

        I went back and forth on what to do with Carl and ultimately decided I could still mentor him, just not as often.  The time had come for him to take all the experiences and put them to good use.

        To end phase one of our mentorship, I invited Carl to visit me in San Francisco where I would be for part of the summer.  This trip would give him his first commercial airplane trip and his
first time out of Southern California.

        We had a wonderful time and bonded even more.  Our adventure included visits to the Monterey Bay Aquarium, Alcatraz, Lombard Street, The Golden Gate Bridge and Fisherman's Wharf. 

        Carl is almost a teenager.  There is always a lesson to be learned when we get together and our next challenge is for him to improve in school.  When we have misunderstandings, I tend to give Carl his space more than in the past.  He always talks after he has calmed down from whatever is bothering him.  Being an optimist, I choose to see all the positive steps he is taking and encourage those.

        I will soon begin the process all over again.  The third boy I wanted to mentor is a young man I met at the elementary school where I worked as a teacher's aide.  I had noticed him when he entered the third grade because he tended to get in trouble and I thought maybe I could help.

        Jamal Barrington did not want to have anything to do with adults and so we had a one-sided relationship for awhile.  But when he entered the fourth grade I took advantage of the fact
he would be in special education classes and I could therefore see him when I visited his teacher,  a friend of mine.

        I started to say hello to Jamal on the yard and paid attention to what he did on the playground.  He still basically ignored me, although sometimes he'd say a quick hello.  I think one of the things which made me notice him was his resemblance to Carl.  They looked similar and acted the same.  I still struggled with letting my one to one mentoring with him end and constantly thought about how he might be.  Whenever I saw Jamal, I thought of Carl.

        I continued to be friendly and then one day I had the opportunity to give Jamal and his dad some Harlem Globetrotter tickets.  Now he smiled.   Later I had some extra tickets to an Elvis Presley music ballet show and once again invited them to go.  I also invited Carl to join the fun.  This was the first time I was seeing him for awhile, although we had spoken on the phone a few times.

        When we arrived at the Music Center in Downtown L.A., I saw Jamal, his sister and father.
After some small talk the kids went to play at the dancing water fountain and I began to plant the seed of mentoring Jamal to his dad.  Happily, his dad liked the idea.

        It's important to realize that there is a large mentoring movement forming in the United States.  Former General Colin Powell is spearheading an organization called America's Promise and the entire emphasis is on mentoring and helping kids.  They mention in their literature how
important it is for a child to have several positive adult role models in their life.  Therefore, I had a pretty strong endorsement for my interest in working with Anthony.  It took three months and several more plays before I finally got Jamal and his dad to come to the Family Helpline and sign up.

        The month was September of 1997 and I had just seen Carl for a second time.  I made a conscious decision to give him growing room as he entered Jr. High School, but I still had the strong urge to know how he was.

        Just a month earlier I'd been to visit him in the hospital when he had ear surgery.  Barbara Jean and his aunt were in the room and he was drugged up.  He saw me and smiled ever so briefly before zoning out.  It was tough seeing him lie in this sterile room; all the bravura he usually displayed replaced by quiet.

        That did not last long, for once he was back home, he quickly went back to his normal life.  However, this time he decided to hang with members of the wrong crowd and got into some serious trouble.   Naturally every time Barbara Jean would share his latest antics I'd ask myself why he was doing these bad things.

        Here is a boy surrounded by people who love him, he has two mentors, a good family and still his life is full of turmoil.  I wanted to talk with him to see if I could help get him on track.  It also happened to be around the time of his birthday and I had, in typical fashion, planned a trip to Palm Springs to celebrate.

        Once again I was in the position of deciding what to do.  I would not reward bad behavior but I wanted to take him on the trip.  One day, while all this was going on, I went to celebrate Leon's
birthday with him at The Family Helpline.   I shared with him the latest news on Carl and told him about the Palm Springs trip.

        He listened to everything I said, raised himself in his chair, and proceeded to give me a lesson on not rewarding Carl with anything.  Leon is very passionate with his words and as my friend he felt the time was right to set me straight on young kids and their misbehaving ways.

        What I learned from the talk was eye opening.  The basic point was "How would Carl learn anything if he could act badly and still have the good life with me?"

        I'd never thought of it that way.

         I enjoyed Carl's company and relished anytime we could spend together.  When Leon said I was actually hurting Carl more than helping, I very easily nixed the trip to Palm Springs.

        I started to get frustrated because I knew I couldn't be concerned over every single incident in Carl's life and I also had not come to grips with the graduation from our one-to-one mentoring days.

        I phoned a friend of mine who is a social worker and his words of wisdom enabled me to go onto my next child, Anthony, in a very easy way.  He simply said I had to tell Carl that the one-to-one mentoring was complete and it was time for us to move on.  Carl probably knew that
already, but I had a weary time of it.

        We would now be friends and talk on the phone, but not necessarily every week.   Barbara Jean was an amazing supporter to me and I had some great talks with her as I transitioned from one type of mentor relationship to another.

        Instead of Palm Springs, I took Carl to McDonalds.

        I felt better after our lunch.  We talked and I reminded him of all the things we'd done together.  I also brought some special Origami paper and made my entire repetoire for him.  This birthday present would be a handmade gift from me. Origami is very relaxing and I needed to be soothed on this particular day.

        As I drove Carl home I told him to be true to himself and do everything from his heart.